The Time I Won a Thousand Dollar Prize in a Paper Airplane Contest!

Here's the video story of my win and a step-by-step explanation of how to make that superior paper airplane!

Wind Chill: It's Not Just A "Feeling"

 News Report: It's 10 Degrees, but with Wind Chill it Feels Like 15 Below...

I grew up in Madison, Wisconsin. So, I know the cold. My twin and I were paperboys for many years and there were mornings every Winter when our father insisted, God bless his departed soul, on driving us through the route because the temperatures, with wind chill, were dangerously cold.

Here's what many people outside the Great North do not understand. Wind Chill is for real.

The media, as I hear it here in New Jersey, doesn't seem to understand it completely. 

Here's an example. It's currently 10 degrees Fahrenheit where I live. We are predicted tonight to receive gusts up to 36 mph. And we are under a "Wind Chill Advisory" informing us here that the Wind Chill could be 15 degrees below zero.

And yet consistently I keep hearing this reported in local media as the following. "It's 10 degrees. But with Wind Chill it will feel like 15 below."

No. It won't feel like 15 below. It is 15 below.

Look, I'm a Latin teacher, not a Physics teacher. But I understand the science underlying this issue. Cold air takes heat off an object. Cold air in motion takes even more heat off an object. This is because the effect of the motion is that even more cold air touched that object. And so even more cold air does its damage.

But when you report that it will "feel like it's 15 below," you could mislead people into thinking that Wind Chill is just something psychological.  "Hey! I know it feels like it's 15 below, but it's really only 10 above, so I'm fine out here!"

No, you're not.

And I'm writing this at a time when my family and friends back in Wisconsin are in a seriously dangerous situation. And I've seen that, while Chicago wisely cancelled school today because of the cold, other districts did not, putting children who had to wait for a bus at peril.

The point is, with no wind, I could hold my ungloved hand outside in 10 degrees above pretty much indefinitely and not get frostbite. But if I did that tonight, with Wind Chill of 15 below, it will not just feel like 15 below. I will get frostbite.

As a final note, as I said, I grew up in Wisconsin. I never ever complain about the heat. And in the Summer of 2004, while in Iraq, I was in 120 degree heat. 

The reason I don't complain about the heat is that I want to reserve the right to complain about the cold. I mean, if you complain about both, well, then you're just a complainer! 

So, I don't complain about the heat. And that gives me the right to say, "Damn! I hate this cold!"

Made in Wisconsin: Bob Suter

Wisconsin is in mourning as I write this post. On September 9, 2014, Robert Allen Suter passed away suddenly of an apparent heart attack in Middleton. His funeral will be held in a stadium in Madison (the Alliant Energy Center) on Saturday, September 13 because no Lutheran church in the area could possibly hold the amount of people expected to attend.

Bob Suter was born on May 16, 1957 in Madison, Wisconsin. He grew up on the blue-collar East Side of that city, as did I. He attended Madison East High School, as did I. He was a member of Trinity Lutheran Church on the East Side, as was I.

He attended, as I later would, the University of Wisconsin-Madison and played hockey for the Badgers in 1977, a year in which they won the NCAA National Championship.

Bob Suter made it on to the 1980 Olympic Hockey Team. Now, back then, the Soviets essentially ran a professional team that got to play in the Olympics because they technically were not disqualified by being officially professional players. And the United States assembled its team from college players with considerably less experience than their Soviet counterparts.

We were mighty proud that two Madisonians, Mark Johnson and Bob Suter, were on that team. We on the East Side of Madison were understandably particularly proud that an East Sider represented our country in that venue.

And we watched live and on pins and needles as they played the Soviets and achieved the Miracle on Ice.

Bob Suter made his home in Wisconsin until his untimely death two days ago. He operated a sporting goods store and worked tirelessly to promote youth hockey in the Madison area. Fittingly, he died at the Capitol Ice Arena in those pursuits.

Rest in peace, Bob Suter. You are loved and will be sorely missed.

Made in Wisconsin: the Largest Producer-Only Farmers' Market in the USA

"The Square."

After my niece's wedding last Friday, we had the opportunity to indulge ourselves in a classic Madison attraction, the Dane County Farmers' Market, on the Square.

"The Square," in case you're not from Wisconsin, refers to the large block square on which our State Capitol sits. And every Saturday of the Summer and Harvest Season, there is a Farmers' Market around the entire circuit of that block.

Typical Scene at the Farmers' Market.

The Dane County Farmers' Market is the largest "Producers-Only" Farmers' Market in the USA. In other words, every vendor there must be directly connected to the production of what they are selling. 

Virtually everything there is organic, either certified as such de iure or, though non-certified, de facto (official certification is expensive and cost-prohibitive for many smaller farmers).

Here's where we bought grass-fed beef.

Now, whether or not one could then call the official "Largest Producer-Only Farmers' Market" therefore to be "The Best" will be a matter of opinion. I'm not sure by what criteria one can really be better than ours. Maybe there's one in California that's bigger, but it's full of produce shipped from around the world? Maybe there's one in Iowa that's smaller but it's only certified organic?

And all that said, it's hard to imagine that some other country is hosting a larger "Producer-Only Farmers' Market." So it's probably the biggest and the big of its kind in the entire world.

My twin, his wife, and my wife.

Anyway, it's quite an experience. The Capitol Building is itself simply gorgeous and provides a majestic backdrop (as well as free restrooms) to the event.

I got a laugh from the vendor to the left. People from Wisconsin call people from Illinois "FIBs" (The "I" stands for Illinois. As there is no love between the two states, you can figure it out from there.). All of the celebrities depicted there are from the Chicago area. It's a tongue-in-cheek joke that their business name really stands for "Fine Italian Beef."

Here, my twin has cooked the zucchini and grass-fed beef we purchased at the Farmers' Market to perfection. A wonderful end to a wonderful day. And so great to be back, for however short a time, in Wisconsin.

Made in Wisconsin: 1st Kindgergarten in the United States

Turns out, mirabile dictu, the first kindergarten in the United States was in Watertown, Wisconsin. In 1856, Margarethe Meyer Schurz, wife of the noted German-American statesman Carl Schurz, organized the first kindergarten in the building at the left. 

I lived in Watertown for a year and never knew this fact!

We live in a time when politicians are debating how to fund pre-kindergarten educational programs, knowing the benefit that early and organized programmed education can have on developing minds. 

I have very fond memories of my own kindergarten experience, proof, I suppose, that my teacher must have been a committed and talented educator. This took place for me at Lowell Elementary School, on Madison, Wisconsin's blue-collar East Side. My kindergarten room was on the first floor, just left of that forested area in the middle.

And the fact that the first kindergarten happened in Wisconsin is a testimony to the commitment that State has for education in general. I am grateful for the excellent public schools I attended, from kindergarten all the way through, eventually, the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

Keith Massey was born and raised in Madison, Wisconsin. He has his doctorate from the University of Wisconsin-Madison in Biblical Hebrew, with a minor in Arabic. After 9/11, he served as an Arabic linguist at the NSA. He is currently a Latin teacher at a public high school in New Jersey.

Keith is the author of Intermediate Arabic for Dummies. His fiction novels follow the adventures of Andrew Valquist, roughly patterned after himself--a man born and raised in Wisconsin who gets pulled into the world of international intrigue. 


Keith's novels are A Place of Brightness, Amor Vincit Omnia: An Andrew Valquist Adventure, Next Stop: Spanish, and In Saecula Saeculorum.

Made in Wisconsin

I was born and raised in Wisconsin. I only left there in 2002 to go to work for the Top Secret National Security Agency

Uncle Josh's Bait! Click to Visit their Website

after 9/11. 

As I was setting out this morning on a fishing expedition, my neighbor gave me a vial of bait he had purchased but hadn't yet used. To my initial surprise, it was produced, mirabile dictu, in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin. 

As the initial surprise wore off, however, I settled into the realization that a Wisconsin fishing product showing up in New Jersey made perfect sense. Let's face it, everywhere in this country, people look upon Wisconsin as a pristine and pure place where the cheese is infinitely better, the trees must grow taller, the fishing, certainly, but even the beer is better.

Organic Valley Sour Cream. Click to visit their Website

I mean, I'm never surprised when I buy organic sour cream here in New Jersey and find it's from Wisconsin.

But this got me to thinking.

"Made in Wisconsin" has a cache about it that many other states must envy.

I mean, there are other states with a claim to fame, to be sure.

Florida Orange Juice! 

Idaho Potatoes!

California Wines!

And "Made in Detroit" might not mean what it once did, but at least people do understand the reference.

But "Made in Wisconsin" somehow impresses people around the US, whether the product be beer, dairy, bait, or who knows what.

And so, inspired by this experience, I'll be making a series of posts on this topic. Wisconsin is truly special place that occupies the imagination of this country dramatically more than its population should have predicted. And there are a lot of stories to tell.

I sadly don't live there currently, but I'll always be from there. And I will never be from anywhere else.

I was "Made in Wisconsin," as well. And I'm so proud of it.

Keith Massey was born and raised in Madison, Wisconsin. He has his doctorate from the University of Wisconsin-Madison in Biblical Hebrew, with a minor in Arabic. After 9/11, he served as an Arabic linguist at the NSA. He is currently a Latin teacher at a public high school in New Jersey.

Keith is the author of Intermediate Arabic for Dummies. His fiction novels follow the adventures of Andrew Valquist, roughly patterned after himself--a man born and raised in Wisconsin who gets pulled into the world of international intrigue. 


Keith's novels are A Place of Brightness, Amor Vincit Omnia: An Andrew Valquist Adventure, Next Stop: Spanish, and In Saecula Saeculorum.

Done Reading the Onion Outside the US...

I grew up in Madison, Wisconsin, the home of The Onion. We would pick up paper copies of it that they would leave all over the University campus. Thankfully, the Internet gave them the worldwide audience their intelligent satire deserves.

Except, I've learned just now, that they've monetized The Onion as a "for-subscription-only" website outside of the United States. I'm in Romania for a month and was reading and laughing along when suddenly, the following pops on my screen. It's hilarious in its own right:



Is this a trial for the day when they make the site "for-subscription-only" in the US as well?

Would I really pay .99 a month to read The Onion?

Well, let's see, I'm a ten dollar a month sustaining member of WNYC, my local public radio channel. 

So, of course I will! 

Make it so, The Onion! Get the money you deserve.

And if I'm to get the money I deserve, maybe you would consider reading a free sample of my novel In Saecula Saeculorum (and then buying the book, of course!)

A reviewer, who signed themselves "Damned" wrote the following five star Amazon review about my novel, a strange rambling piece worthy of The Onion itself:

Great book- managed to be believable with a highly entertaining and completely implausible premise

"I thought this book was going to be super silly the way you expect the fifth or sixth or whatever they're up to Die Hard to be. Instead, I was surprised and refreshed to see that nothing was glossed over and yet it didn't feel like one of those fritty reboots where they take an old sappy superhero, give them *problems* and call it a day. All the deliciously absurd action and adventure was kept intact, the grittiness treated simply and every character had an good amount of development. It was so honest. Although to be honest, my favorite part was the dialogue. Oh, the quips! I won't spoil any but the one liners the characters pull off with such ease will have you in stitches.

Basically, if you've gotten to this book and you're looking through the reviews, just buy it. It costs less than a pack of M&Ms and it is really, really good. My poorly written raving above does not do it justice. And for the record, neither does the free sample available. That's right, it gets even better! It's a quick read that you'll want to read again, immediately. How many kindle books for two or three bucks can you say that about?

Anyway, thoroughly enjoyed, a plusplus, would and have recommend/ed, et cetera"

On Wisconsin: In Latin! (Porro Wisconsin)

To commemorate the Wisconsin Badgers Men's Basketball Team playing in the Final Four, I've made a Latin version of the Wisconsin State Song, On Wisconsin. 



Go Badgers!

Courtesies of Wisconsin

I was shocked, dumbfounded, stunned even, to learn from one of my students that a recent study ranked Wisconsin the LEAST courteous state in the Union in terms of saying (or not)  "please" and "thank you" while making phone transactions. Growing up there, I would have been incredulous, but I trusted the source and then confirmed the veracity of the claim.


It is based on a tabulation derived from 600,000 phone calls, checking for instances of basic courtesies and also profanity.

The top five least courteous, in order, are:

Wisconsin
Massachusetts
Indiana
Tennessee
Ohio

Again, I grew up there. I consider myself  über-courteous. I'm now a high school teacher in New Jersey (which apparently says both the F word and "thank you" more often than Wisconsin).  I say please and thank you when asking students to comply with basic classroom conduct. "Timmy, please don't throw that crumpled up ball of paper across the room. Thank you!"

So, I'm left pondering where the disconnect lies between my perception of the place I grew up in and the results of this study. I believed Wisconsin to be a highly courteous place. I lived there from 1966 until 2002 when I moved to Maryland to join the Top Secret Spy Mill the NSA (I hope I didn't just surrender my moral high ground).

So here's what I'm left to admit. It's just possible the little bubble of universe within Wisconsin in which I was raised and nurtured was not representative of the whole of that State.

I came from Norwegian stock who were largely dairy farmers. I learned early how to respond mange tusen takk (many thousand thanks) in basic conversation.

I was raised on the blue-collar East Side of Madison. We were a little rough around the edges, but civility was a virtue there.

South-Central and South-Western Wisconsin have a distinct culture based on German, Welsh, and Scandinavian agricultural stock. Those are my people. And I believe we are kind and courteous.

I knew even back then that if you travel north, to the place where the soil turns sandy and the trees turn coniferous, it was a different world altogether. And if you travel east from Madison on I-94, with each exit in the direction of Milwaukee you are more likely to hear a horn honked in anger.

And so my fellow Wisconsinites. We're going to turn this thing around. I mean, just think Big Ten Football. Ohio State beat us this year in Football. And we beat them in this? No glory there.

Please, let's be a model of civility to others. Mange tusen takk...

Alice Mielcarek: My Teacher

I'm sad right now. One of my favorite people from my past — has passed away. It actually happened just over two years ago. And I only just learned of it because, sitting here, sipping some wine, reminiscing, smiling at her influence in my life, I suddenly, on a whim, on a lark decided, I'm going to write her! 

I speak of Alice Mielcarek, my Creative Writing teacher back in Madison East High School, in Madison, WI.

She wasn't that old in 1984, was she? There's a reasonable chance she's still alive, I thought and hoped.

I had taken a Creative Writing class from her my Senior Year. In the course of that year I wrote many things for her and came to cherish receiving them back with her comments. She was gentle, but real. She was brilliant and challenged me to grow in writing mechanics, ability, and in sheer humanity. She was a true teacher. She told me that I had promise as a writer. And in the years that followed I have achieved some limited success at it. And so, this evening, I was suddenly inspired to thank her and tell her about all that has happened since all those years ago.

A Google search on the parameters: Mielcarek, Madison, Writing, found the following article at the Daily Kos.

And I knew immediately. Not only was Mrs. Mielcarek dead, but I had missed by two years telling her how great an impact she had on my life.

Damn.

I'm so angry — at myself — that at no point in the last thirty years did I reach out to her to express just how important she was to me.

As I read the article by Mr. Anderson, I learn that he actually never had the privilege I enjoyed. He credits her with influencing him for the better and regrets that he never took her class! I was in her class. I had an entire year with her. And what a blessing she was!

I will say this — I was so very off on my perception of her age because of the amazing life force that flowed out of that woman. Here is her obituary. She lived to the fine old age of 81.

So, who am I?

Well, today I'm a high school teacher, like Alice was. 

I teach Latin at a public high school in New Jersey. I like to say that anyone who thinks the world is going to hell in a hand-basket simply doesn't know enough young people. My worst student is basically the same kid that sat in Mrs. Mielcarek's room. And my best are better scholars and citizens than I was until my twenties. I remember her patience and just deep genuine kindness. I hope I show forth even a tiny measure of the same.

I would describe myself still as a wanna-be writer. Alongside my PhD in Biblical Hebrew and Arabic, I published a number of academic articles. My biggest commercial credit is that I am the author of Intermediate Arabic for Dummies. The fiction novels I've written were acts of love for ideas that brewed within me for years. I have not yet achieved true commercial success with my fiction but I loved writing those books. Mrs. Mielcarek was fully responsible for inspiring me to work and persist in the craft of writing.

And so, Alice Mielcarek. I deeply regret never telling you these things on this side of eternity. All I can do now is pour out these words and hope that somehow in the spiritual world they can yet reach you.

You changed my life. I count it as a privilege to have known you, let alone to have studied under your guidance. And yet I know, in my youthful arrogance, that I wasted much of that time. Pray for me, please, as I attempt to both fulfill all the expectations you had of me and also imitate your example as I teach a new generation.

Alice, requiescas in pace et lux perpetua luceat tibi.

May you rest in peace and may perpetual light shine upon you.

Go Badgers!

When I was young, the idea of my Wisconsin Badgers being in the Rose Bowl was a distant dream. I knew the history, they had been there in 1953, 1960, and 1963. Before I was born. And they had lost all three of those games.

But then came the dream come true. 1994, with Coach Barry Alvarez, they were back. I was in Grad School at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, after doing my undergrad there. And I was born and raised in Madison, WI. It was exciting beyond description for us. And I remember ecstatically watching that game, in which they beat UCLA 21-16.

And then they would be back in the Rose Bowl in 1998 and 1999, winning again both times.

That thing that once seemed a distant dream was becoming relatively common.

And they went back again in 2011 and 2012. Even though they lost, still, they were in the Rose Bowl!

Which brings us to this year. After heartbreaking losses, almost all in overtime and by less than 3 points, they are back in the Rose Bowl only because two other teams are sanctioned and unable to play post-season, but then by an unexpected victory over Nebraska 70-31. Conference championship games just shouldn't have scores that big!

Getting back there this year feels again like a dream come true. So, job well done, gentlemen. Win or lose, I'm always so proud to be a Badger. And to see Barry Alvarez coach again today will be such a fond thing.

Going Down to the Tavern...

My recent trip to Greece reminded me how the Latin word taberna has evolved in interesting ways. Originally the word simply meant shop or store. You would go to a taberna to buy a toga, a different taberna might specialize in jewelry, another in spices, and so on. If you go to a Middle Eastern Sooq today you can get a good idea of what a taberna was. To get you into the place, the owner will offer you a cup of tea or coffee. And in ancient Rome, they would offer you a cup of wine. 

Now, in practice, an ancient Roman taberna was probably always in the drink business alongside selling togas, etc. It was basically the same principle whereby American stores and restaurants know that letting the public use your bathroom for free is basically good business. The rest of the world, including Western Europe, hasn't completely caught up with us on this point yet. While on vacation in Europe, I know that buying a beer is frequently the cost for using a bathroom. And this can turn into a negative feedback loop pretty fast. 

Anyway, back to the Roman taberna. It was a store, but it was also a place to buy a glass of wine. And there were certainly tabernae that specialized in wine as well. And if you were at one such place, they also didn't want you leaving if you suddenly found yourself hungry. They were certainly in the snack business as well.

And that brings us to how the Latin word taberna would evolve. In Greece, a taverna is a restaurant. Now, in practice, there is no taverna in Greece where you can not also get a beer or a glass of wine. In the English tradition, both Britain and America, a tavern is primarily a place where you go to get a drink. But in practice, there is no tavern where you can not also get a bite to eat.

In Madison, Wisconsin, where I grew up, my father would frequently declare that he was "going down to the Ohio Tavern" for a drink. (It was just three blocks away.) I'm delighted to learn that the place is still in business. Like so many other places in Wisconsin, there are even claims that it's haunted.

Cheers, Dad. I sure miss you.